Hurt! I have been hurt innumerable times and at every season of my life. By so many people including myself and so many things. I have scars, physical and emotional, they remind me of these occasions. My behaviour and response to situations reveal subtly and a few times abruptly, what I have been through and what I have learnt from my pain. There are various intensities to pain, various degrees. Some can be ignored, some stop you in your tracks, some wreak havoc. It evokes growth and brings out a measure of defence which we use to protect ourselves. Heart ache, betrayal, death, injury, self-harm, bullying, rejection, failure, insult, condescension, loss and more, everybody has been hurt because of one or more of these reasons.
Now, changing perspectives, everyone has been a perpetrator of one of these actions too. Some have betrayed, said words that stuck with others for a long time and discouraged them, cheated, bullied, etc. These actions could have been either deliberate or accidental. Have you ever stopped to think about the lengths to which your behaviour, actions and words have left an adverse effect on another person? The pain and sleepless nights you caused them? The low self-esteem you helped establish? The transferred aggression you have caused them to inflict on another. Victims, more often than not, are unaware of how deep seated the trauma is and how it has affected them and their perceptions in life.
Back to me. My little sister and I were having a conversation in which she expressed to me that our fights when we were younger hurt her. That was the phase where we fought every single time, especially about little things. Our conversations made me realise that we misunderstood each other and did not even have the ability or patience to understand ourselves. A few times our squabbles turned physical and we had to be separated by an older person around. It was a vicious cycle of getting each other in trouble and the other person wanting revenge. I especially went to great lengths to hurt her. Over a few months, our relationship got better. However, it is a period we will not forget
Now we are closer than ever and respect each other. I appreciate the fact that she brought that period up and we honestly talked about it. There was so much misinterpreted between us and I was so stubborn and unwilling to listen to her at that time. I finally understood the depths to which I had hurt her, especially as she looked up to me at that time. We talked about how it affected our lives and how we saw things. I am remorseful and full of regret. We have moved forward in terms of that situation.
I am certain that she is just one of the few people that I have offended. Some of which I was oblivious of my actions and others which were intended. Sometimes we take for granted those closest to us and upset them. We use excuses like, we play like that or it is just banter and say things that cross the line. I love my sister with my whole heart. Does she know? Yes, she is very confident in it. Even with that relationship at that time, no one could mess with each of us because they knew that we had each other’s backs. However, those qualities now, are not an excuse for the absence of the scars I had caused then. They do not cancel out the times I bullied and was mean to her. I cannot erase the past and start over.
I realised that pain and hurt is inevitable. So, it is very important to ensure that you do not hurt on purpose and when you find out you caused pain to a person, try to reach out. It is also crucial to be wise in situations like these so as to not be manipulated. Respect is a necessary foundation for any relationship. Another thing is, be vocal when you are displeased at what the other person is doing, voice your hurt and disappointment over these situations. Do it politely but firmly. I hope that the people I have hurt can forgive me. Now I understand why you were offended, even when I was hurting.
I.B x Dee
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