Who Am I?

Inspired by Criminal Minds. This is entirely fictional.

Delving into very personal issues: Am I the only one struggling with what is right and wrong? I do not mean only the basic things. I am  talking about extremes as well. Evil, hate, love, good deeds and any other thing you can think of. Well this is my confession. Periodically, I experience waves of varied emotions, good and/or bad. In my defence, most of these feelings are justified.

I have come to understand that I am not just one person with a one-character trait. I am an ever changing and ever evolving man who is, as a matter of fact, terrified of myself and what I could be led to do in the heat of a moment. My thoughts are beautiful, with the intent to be the best I can be in terms of being genuine and they are also dangerous, finding pleasure in what could cause pain or harm to myself most times just because. I may be one of the few people who experience this, or it may be a normal thing for everyone.

However, one thing remains, I am constantly (when I say constantly, I mean every single time) at war within myself on which side to let out. I fear that in my struggle and choice to maintain self-control, I may fail and let the ugly out. While it saddens me, I have come to be truthful to myself and I am admitting that I really am not the person that I show myself to be. I am just some guy who has created this great façade, of which its wear off is imminent. I have tried to be honest with those around me but all they seem to do is shrug it off and say everyone has bad in them. While that is true, not everyone lets it manifest and not everyone constantly thinks about it. Most importantly, not everyone enjoys the thought. I, on the other hand, am obsessed with it.

How close am I to unravelling? When will this part of me show? What will be the consequences of my actions? Am I leaning towards self-destruction? Seems like it. Do I have a mental problem? These never-ending questions reel in every day. As a man thinks in his heart, so he is, but that is vague to me as my thoughts are both good and bad. The bible says overcome evil with good, but I am still at war. Renewing my mind daily is an arduous task but I try to do it every day. I really want to know if I am alone in this. Is it enough that I choose to be on the right even if the wrong is persistent? It does not feel good enough. I can only hold it back for so long.

Now, I am trying to change for the better and guess what? I do not want to let go of the anger, hurt, pain, judgement, and self-criticism. They are my greatest stumbling blocks, but I also find solace in them. I have carried these feelings with me for so long and as much as they hold me back, I am comfortable with them and would feel empty without them. They have been my reasons. Reasons to keep fighting and moving on. Reasons to treat people with respect and make them feel good. They are the reasons I want to be different. I hold on to these emotions because they always remind me of what I went through and what I do not want the other person to go through. Yet, these same feelings are threatening to be the perpetrators of characters I despise, how hypocritical.

There are days, I wish that anyone could just look at me and see what is in my heart. That way they would know who they are dealing with. At the very least, I can say that I have not done anything crazy yet. But who knows when it would happen? When I would let my violent emotions take control. The end is more important than the beginning, so it does not matter if this fight has been a long time coming. It only matters what I do in the present. What if the day comes when I finally destroy everything and let loose? That would mean that the option to be good and do good that I chose every time amounted to nothing. I dread that day. It messes with my head. With every opportunity I have, I seize it to show kindness and be empathetic. I am unsure of whether it is a way to ease my guilt or just the good nature in me. I hope the day never comes because I know it would not be a subtle flare-up, it would be one that would leave every person who witnessed it a bone chilling impression, especially me. I do not know the lengths to which I would go in the heat of that moment and never want to find out. I want to be better. Different. I know many may think it is pretence. I try to be genuine and even I think it is pretence.

For now, I will strive to be better.