How I Changed my Life

April 12, ****

Crippled, is how I feel when I realise that my actions are responsible for my hindrance to productivity. Powerless is another, as I know that I am not the master of my body and mind. There is a lot of work to be done right. At first when I think about things I have to do (anything at all), I am ecstatic. I think about how effectively I would supposedly do them and my satisfaction when it is done. Then, I am inundated with thoughts of the amount of effort I have to put in to achieve what I want. These thoughts more often than not, deter me from going into it immediately and just getting it over with. I toss my responsibilities into a pile of things I should do and do properly but do not have the energy or vim to do at that moment, only to get back to it at the last minute and finish it off with a lacklustre and commonplace quality.

The vicious cycle of my inability to see many things through to the end, in good quality, have led me to think about how I got here in the first place. Countless periods of soul searching and discipline that begin in perfect course only to go off track, have made me understand that I am in fact a slave to my body and mind, incessantly indulging in and giving in to the state of my emotions and wants. Surely, I can state that this was never a formal decision, to be inept and incompetent. However, I discovered that I often choose how I feel or what I want in the moment over what is needed to be done. My complacency and mediocrity towards my life and my dereliction towards my duties have had great consequences. The biggest of them is commitment. Being doggedly dedicated to a cause is a responsibility that is difficult to shoulder. I have always had to fight with my mind and my emotions in order to keep on keeping on.

Disappointingly, I have only ever seen one of my commitments to the end, of my own volition and my own drive. Of course, I have completed many more, but they were finished just because there was a deadline and I had no power to change it………..

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 I know that some of you can relate. I lacked patience and perseverance and easily gave up. I would mentally evaluate a situation and mostly give it a chance if it would not cause prolonged discomfort. I was complacent about things so long as I was unaffected. I was selfish and it cost me so many relationships both platonic and romantic.

Worse part about this situation was that I tried so relentlessly to change. The habits, thoughts, attitude, disposition, it all seemed like an impossible feat, a desperately unattainable change. I kept failing. I experimented taking steps, but I failed, huge steps and I was frustrated. In dire need of help, I could plan but I was unable to execute plans and that shortcoming infiltrated every aspect of my life. I was becoming a spineless entity, purposeless and I could do nothing about it.

At this point I had come to understand that I had not stuck to a particular method on the path to change and so I decided take a step at a time and also seek my family and friends for help. I called them and told them about my reality and the consequences that it came with and also the impending costs to be paid. I told them of my frustration with myself and the futile journey I had taken to turn over a new leaf. I sought their wisdom and needed them to hold me accountable. God and I had a tête-à-tête about the issue. I was determined to change, at the very least, be able to be and do better than I was.

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July 16 ****

My morning routine seems like the first issue to focus on. In the mornings, I would wake up just in time to have a shower and head straight out to work without doing any other thing. So, I am laying a ground rule. Once I a wake up in the morning, I am to pray in bed then lay my bed as soon as I get up as opposed to when I come back from work. After which I would prepare breakfast, take a shower, and do something productive before leaving the house to work……

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It was imperative to change my mindset. It was the foundation of everything good to happen. It was the most important and the hardest thing in my life. I had to unlearn,  take on new perceptions and conceptions. I was heavy on conviction. It was not easy. I failed so many times. I cried so many times. I was uncomfortable. My thoughts would go crazy. It was always hard for me to control the thoughts I had been conditioned to think about. It affected my character and how I saw things. So, I was intentional about what I saw and heard. There was so much to do but the most important was healing my mind. I searched for the root of my problems, went to therapy, listened to the bible, podcasts, motivational videos and everything that would serve as a steppingstone to betterment. There were countless times I would be so angry at myself for committing to this change, times that I would say not so kind words to myself for mostly not giving in to the comfort. At first, I did not feel anything was getting better, I flopped woefully and would sometimes procrastinate. After a while I did not give myself the opportunity to do that. I was intent on changing and was not going to hold myself back.

My friends and family checked on me frequently. My best friend would call me every month to recount my journey. The achievements, failures, frustrations, and plans. We would talk about all that I was grateful for. She encouraged me to make a journal for my journey and write in details. She had always the believed that the details were extremely important. In about nine months I was confident in my commitment, once I had something to do, I would do it and ensure it was done in good quality. In a year, my mindset was greatly improved. It was evident in the way I talked and in my perception on things. I had become an avid learner. I started to stand out from my colleagues in work. I was diligent and had my priorities right. Things changed dramatically as months and years progressed. Before I move on, I would like to say that, even after I had changed substantially, there were still so many distractions, it was still hard to stay on course, there were days I wanted to just do nothing and sometimes I gave in. Through it all I never let myself stop moving forward. For every time I fell off, I came back up and went on.

I practiced gratitude which turned out to be an excellent motivator. Thanks to my best friend my journey was documented and whenever I would go back to read it, I would be so humbled and astounded at the progress I had made overtime. I was grateful for the little things, the big things, the people around me and the events that happened. To be honest, life has never been smooth sailing for me or anyone I have ever known. However, your perception of life and your determination and your belief in God makes it bearable. Stand firm in what you believe in and work hard (important), help people, be humble. Do not allow your body or wants have power over you. It takes a lot of practice (I cannot stress that enough) but it is worth it. Learn to love and be grateful. Everything I have written down to encourage you can only be achieved by choosing to do it. It should be deliberate. You certainly will not feel like it every day, but it will prompt a phenomenal change in your life. Everything comes at a price, including changing for the better. Ensure that whatever you choose inspires a positive effect on you (mistakes will be made but it should never end there, keep moving).